dreams

Last night I dreamed of roses growing in the yard of a darling little house in an old neighborhood. That's not unusual. I often dream of old houses with perennials growing, most especially roses. I wanted to bathe in them! And I kept telling the lady there, tending the beautiful plants, about the rose garden I had at our last house. I miss it so much, just the lavishness of have a gazillion roses that bloomed like crazy. And they were such good varieties, purchased from reliable vendors and well-cared for until I lost my legs. That may seem sad, but... I don't miss having to ask other people to care for them. When we planted the extensive gardens, I enjoyed getting up early and working in the garden. Later, when I could no longer do that, it was torturous for others, who didn't like to garden or didn't have time to, to have to care for them. Others had their own gardens to tend. Gardens teach us patience, and they teach us letting go. That's what I learned this past year. It was the same thing with having our horses. I realized, finally, that the horses had helped me have the will to survive and get stronger, when I was very weak and seemed to be on the way out the door. They helped me feel like I could do anything - that I wasn't over yet. They made a statement to both others and myself that said, "Don't count me out of life just yet. I'm still living, and I might just do something you wouldn't expect." It was hugely important to my sense of fun and being alive. Now it feels that they have basically served their purpose, and I can't care for them any longer...so I let them go to a place that is still in the family. That feels a lot better than letting them go to strangers. Maybe when I'm rich enough to afford a gardener and a horse wrangler, I'll try again, but even then I doubt that will happen again. Good help is hard to get! So I'm on to other dreams and enjoyments. Now is the season for time with Mark in a quiet house, for being able to enjoy my children, watching the last ones grow up. It's the time for sunny patios and books and fireplaces and cocoa and good movies. It's a time to watch Project Runway and Top Model on the computer, to work on personal history projects, and to get interested in Universal Design and cottage living and architecture, of taking care of our health and being better prepared. It's a time to make crafts and do art projects, write letters, do crosswords, draw, and even have a blog! And it's a time to enter my second (or third?) childhood, playing with my grandchildren. I can even make imaginary gardens, full of roses, with them.:) Btw, cjane is going down to Az., and up to the hospital to see Nie tomorrow - first time since Nie's started waking up. She's still barely conscious, just sleeping and smiling or frowning, but she responds to familiar voices. Won't that be wonderful? And the kids will get to go down and see Christian. Hallelujah! I'm so excited for them! Okay, I'll post rose pictures tomorrow. :) 'Bye!