Monday, July 13, 2009
I'm so...something!
Weird? I don't know what it is. I get so I don't want to leave home or do anything at all, as soon as I've been home for a couple of days, yet staying home from things (I wanted to go to previously) causes me to feel depressed, and I'm always happier when I go.
Still, I don't want to go!
I have things I'm excited to do at home, but if they're out of my sight at all, I can't make myself do them. Therefore, I have to have everything out where I can see and I totally forget things exist otherwise. I end up seeing things as I go by and wanting to stop and do them, but I can't - I'm on my way to do something else, like go to church. If not on my way to church, for instance, I won't come that way and then I won't see those things. And there's only so much room in one room for projects, books, computer, etc. Does that make sense?
Then I get depressed because I'm not getting things done.
I need help and I plan on how I'm going to use help, but when it's here, I feel totally shy and stupefied and just want to say that I don't need any help.
Same thing - it stops me accomplishing things and that's depressing.
It sounds like I'm neurotically reenacting something, but I don't think that's it. I think it's that I don't get out much (over the past 13 years or so) because we had clients in our home that I was with, or because of having to be off of my feet for years and not being able to drive now (or even get into the yard).
Normally, I'm fine with that. I love being at home! But I get out of the habit of leaving, dealing with others, getting ready to go somewhere, etc. And I am used to having oxygen, insulin, food, test strips, breathers, and negotiatable floors here.
So I always go through this tug of war with myself before I can go anywhere else other than church. Crazy!
It reminds me of the parable of the talents. I'm passing up opportunities, then, that I won't have again. Guess I'll have to make myself get out more, once I've been out. No getting used to being here all the time and learning to hole up in my room.
I'm going to try...but will you hold my hand? ;/
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3 comments:
If I was there then I would hold your hand and take you outside. Then we would go to Sierra's and look at crafts and maybe to the dollar store. After that maybe we could go see a movie at the cheap theater and eat our suckers (that we hid in our purses) together. Then, when I'd drop you off, I'd make you sit in the doorway and watch me leave, just so I was safe. And you'd ask me to call when I got home, but I'd probably forget.
Don't be afraid! Just remember that the first step is ALWAYS the hardest. Once you are out then you love it! And then it gets easier and easier! And, try to be brave and fearless and make your helpers actually help! Pretend that you are someone else, like Julie Andrews, and you have people coming to get your home ready for an extra special dinner or party. How would she act and what would she have them do? Just be like Julie! Or, you could always fall back on Mel and my idea. Pretend David Bowie or Sting will be there in 10 minutes and you need them to help get the house ready! (Maybe tell them this and it will motivate them too.)
Is that helpful? Wish I was there!
I totally understand how you feel Noodle! Sometimes if I haven't seen people for a day or two (or gone to the store recently) then I feel absolutely NO desire to ever leave the house again! But I loved Megaloo's suggestions about pretending to be someone else. Sometimes you have to fake it till you make it. :) In fact, sometimes at work or at school I have to pretend to be a super nice person just so I don't say something mean or sarcastic. Then, once I pretend to be nice, I usually feel a little nicer too. :) I hope you can find the inner courage to go out there and enjoy life! There's so much to enjoy!
Thank you, Megan and Haley, for your encouragement. It really does help.
Megan, I enjoyed your detailed description of what we would do.
Haley, it was good to hear that I'm not alone in being chicken.
I can't wait till we can all be together without having to say goodbye again!
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