The Way

When I was young, I spent a lot of energy just trying to establish who I was

I wanted to be clean, responsible, good, pretty, intelligent, creative, all of that

I was always a tomboy

Very physical and athletic

My siblings and I used to come home from school field days with a ton of ribbons

Running, high jump, long jump We did them all

I was the fastest kid in 5th and 6th grade, even outrunning the boys

And I could do the most chin ups and sit ups

I loved all of that

As an adult I rode horses, ran long distances, and loved to backpack and hike

I worked hard and I was a good mother

I worked on making my home and my person attractive and positive

I gardened all day in the summers and I helped my husband with his work

I was an active person

And then there came a time when I had to let go of all that

I lost my legs and I wasn't a runner anymore

I became unable to use my dominant arm and I couldn't do my makeup or my hair

I couldn't clean my house

I developed a tremor and numbness and contractures in my hands

My eyesight became blurry My hearing became fuzzy

I had sleep apnea and a lung disorder and phantom limb pain

Diabetes and bypass surgery and osteoporosis and anemia and autonomic neuropathy biochemical depression and dissociation

Healing difficulties and sepsis and gastroparesis and unhealed fractures

I couldn't use prosthetics

I lost my teeth

I literally lost my teeth

And I finally learned that I am what I am each day

Happy or sad or well or sick or inept or diligent

Through my relationship with my Heavenly Father

That is what defines me and takes me from my efforts, whatever they are

To a place of peace and acceptance and joy

And that's the only thing that takes me there

I may be a slow learner, but I'm finding the way

xoxoxo

PS The same day I posted this, Haley posted this